Painful Submission
by XDracoMalfoysGirlX
Summary: On the night of her breakup with Ron, Hermione opens up to Harry about the truth behind her reasons for the split. "Ron's wonderful, Harry. I love him very much, but I can't make him happy in the long run. This way is best for Ron," Hermione assured him.


Painful Submission

Sighing heavily Hermione Granger uncurled her legs from beneath her and rubbed at the ache in her knee joint. She'd been sitting in the same position for hours, just sitting in the darkened living room of her tiny, pokey little flat staring at nothing.

She had no motivation to move, no desire to think about anything; all she wanted to do was allow the darkness to envelope her and pull her away from reality for a little while.

Rubbing her forehead slowly she blinked, her eyelashes sticking together from the wetness of her tears. "It was for the best, it needed to be done," she told Crookshanks who was lying out on the hearth purring contently and completely ignoring her.

Her watery brown eyes lifted to the mantel piece and she squinted in the dimness to see the photograph of herself, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley; as she had expected Ron and walked out of it.

A dull ache throbbed behind her breast bone and Hermione suddenly felt very empty and alone. She hadn't meant to hurt Ron, she wouldn't have done it for the world; but staying with him would have been the wrong thing to do and deep down Hermione knew that.

"He'll get over it," she told Crookshanks determinedly. "I'm not that great am I? Not really."

Crookshanks still didn't lift his head and Hermione sighed again. It was dreadful sitting there alone with no-one to talk to; but she hadn't really expected anything else. Although Ginny was her best friend she was also Ron's sister and blood was thicker than water after all. Hermione couldn't really expect Ginny to sit with her tonight, she would be with her brother, listening to him.

Harry, well, Harry would stay with Ron she supposed. They were best friends, Ron would want to talk to Harry wouldn't he? She pushed aside the dart of jealousy she felt knowing that Harry would be with Ron and Ginny; she couldn't help feeling jealous of Ginny, she had dated Harry once; although they had split up a while ago and were doing their own things at the moment. That was how she remembered Ginny phrasing it.

"Probably for the best that Harry isn't here anyway," Hermione muttered, standing up she left the room and wandered into the kitchen. "Nice cup of tea I think."

She shivered slightly when her eyes came into focus on the photograph on the fridge. She was laughing, her arms wrapped around Harry's neck as she kissed his cheek; Harry was laughing as well, his eyes glittering and the dimple in his cheek winking at her.

"Why?" she asked the silent photograph. Although Hermione already knew why, the reason was simple; because it was Harry.

That was why she loved him, just because he was Harry.

Sighing again Hermione opened the fridge and retrieved the huge bar of chocolate from the shelf. She had prepared herself in advance for this day, she had known she would be hurting and chocolate would be needed. Flicking the switch on the kettle she leant against the kitchen counter and broke a corner off the delicious milk chocolate; popping it into her mouth she closed her eyes to savour the first taste.

"Hermione?"

Hermione jumped and almost choked on her chunk of chocolate. "Harry?"

"Yeah, where are you?" Harry called back, stepping out of the fireplace and flicking a switch on in the other room, bathing it with light. "Why are you standing around in the dark?"

"Dark suits me right now," she replied. "Tea?"

"Sure." Harry moved to stand in the doorway. "How are you?"

Hermione glanced at him over her shoulder, she figured she'd feel a lot better if he wasn't standing there looking so casually sexy in his jeans and rumpled t-shirt, his black hair in a wild mess around his head.

"Fine," she muttered, adverting her eyes from the strong, capable hands that were at this moment in time wandering through the disarray of silky looking hair.

"I don't think that's true, Hermione." Harry told her, a small smile crossing his lips. "I think you're miserable and upset right now."

"Then why ask?" Hermione snapped, wishing Harry of all people hadn't caught her looking so red and puffy in the face.

Harry sniggered, "I guess it's the question to ask that's all. You got any biscuits?"

"Of course," she leant over and picked up the cookie jar from the window sill. "I always keep a stash of your favourites."

"Great," Harry took the jar from her eagerly and took a biscuit. "I love these, never really had them with the Dursley's though, Dudley used to eat them all before I even knew they were in the house."

Hermione smiled at him sympathetically while she busied herself with making tea. Sometimes she found being with Harry very difficult; she was constantly reminding herself to behave normally, to keep to friendly answers and gestures and not go rushing to him and hugging him when she really wanted to; like when he spoke about his childhood.

"So, you ended it with Ron huh? Why would you go and do that?" Harry wondered, plopping down on the sofa and stretching his legs out.

"You're always so subtle and sensitive in your approach to things, Harry," she said, grinning in spite of herself. "Sometimes it's just the best thing to be apart."

Taking the steaming mug of tea from her Harry blew on it and surveyed her over the rim. "But it's you and Ron," he pointed out reasonably. "There's nothing that you two can't get through,"

She smiled sadly and shook her head. "I once thought that too, but it turns out I'm not always right, Harry."

Harry cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. "What did he do that was so bad this time?"

"Nothing," Hermione replied truthfully. She squirmed uncomfortably under Harry's intent gaze; it was the truth, Ron had done nothing at all except be Ron. He wasn't Harry and there was nothing anyone could do about that.

Harry's forehead creased into a frown. "Then I don't get it," he admitted. "If Ron didn't do anything, why split up?"

Rubbing a hand over her eyes she let out a slow steady breath. Hermione hated lying to Harry, she had never lied to him before, but lately she felt as if she was doing nothing but lying to him. Of course she hadn't lied outright, to his face or anything; but it felt like the same thing, seeing him everyday and living with her love for him but not saying anything.

Harry was the reason she had to end things with Ron, it wasn't fair on either of them to stay together when Hermione knew she would always love Harry in a way she had never loved Ron. It wasn't Ron's fault of course, and she adored him just the way he was. But he wasn't Harry.

Harry was special, he was one of a kind and would always live quietly in her heart completely untouched and unable to be dislodged. When it had actually happened Hermione wasn't sure, all she knew was that she loved him. When he was close to her it was difficult to think straight, she couldn't seem to think anything other than inappropriate thoughts about him.

She dreamt about him at night, about feeling him holding her close to him as more than a friendly hug. She imagined how it would feel to be kissed by Harry, really kissed by him; as though she were the only woman in the world he could ever love.

It made her ache inside to know that Harry didn't love her, that he wouldn't return those feelings because he viewed her as a friend only; and she couldn't risk betraying herself to him and losing him altogether.

"Ron's wonderful, Harry. I love him very much, but I can't make him happy in the long run. This way is best for Ron," Hermione assured him.

Harry shook his head. "But you're wrong, Hermione," he sat up straight and stared intently at her. "Ron was going to propose,"

Hermione's face drained of colour and all energy seemed to drain from her as she sank weakly back into the arm of the chair. She felt sick, she felt like the most horrendous person in the world. The last thing she would ever want to do was hurt Ron and yet she had managed to do it. Now she knew that Ron was feeling ten times worse that her if he loved her enough to want to marry her.

Licking her lips she said quietly, "if Ron had proposed I would have probably said yes, but that would have been wrong. I love him, Harry, and because of that I can't marry Ron to try to forget someone else."

"Someone else?" Harry's eyes widened in shock. "Someone else? What do you mean someone else?"

"What does someone else usually mean?" She snapped, giving him an annoyed look to mask the disappointment she felt. Hermione knew it was ridiculous to feel disappointed that Harry was so surprised there was someone else she had feelings for; and he would never guess it was himself anyway.

"But… but…who?" Harry stammered, his jaw hanging open.

She shrugged, "It's not important,"

"Of course it's important, if it means you and Ron splitting up!" He exclaimed. "He must be someone pretty special for you to give everything up for him," Harry mused, his lips forming a pout as he spoke.

"Yes he is."

"You must have very strong feelings for him," Harry added, chewing on his lip as he surveyed her closely.

Hermione felt her cheeks heating up in a guilty flush; she felt as if she were cheating in a game of cards. "I do."

"You love him!" Harry practically accused, jabbing a finger at her and almost spilling his tea.

"I know that!" Hermione almost yelled. "I can't help how I feel can I? It just happened, out of nowhere I just loved him and now I'm trying my best to deal with it in my own way. Can we let it go now please?"

Harry scratched his head, his brow furrowed and his green eyes glistening intently. "Who is it? Anyone I know?"

"Let's not get into that now," Hermione wiggled under his hot stare. Those green eyes made her knees turn weak when he became serious and they darkened ever so slightly. "It's not really important, it's not as if anything could ever happen between us, so there's no point in going into it,"

Saying the words out loud hit Hermione hard, and on top of her already awful day it was more than she felt able to cope with and she burst into tears.

Harry blinked and shifted uneasily, he hated women who cried, it made him uncomfortable. "Don't cry, Hermione. He can't be worth all this upset can he?"

Hermione just sobbed even harder. Harry was worth it all and more, but he would never know. He could never know the truth and the knowledge was just painful. Burying her face in her hands she tried desperately to stop the tears from falling but she couldn't; it was like a dam had burst inside her and all her pain, all the despair she had been feeling over Harry just came pouring from her.

Reaching out Harry patted her arm awkwardly. "Please stop, Hermione. It can't be that bad, please don't cry. Ginny's always saying no man is worth crying over, don't tell her I said so, but she's right. Besides," he added with a small grin, "he's obviously an idiot if he can't see how wonderful you are."

"He's not an idiot," Hermione sniffed. "He knows me well enough,"

Harry shrugged. "Then he's a damn fool for not seeing what's right in front of him."

"Sometimes you don't see what's right in front of you, Harry. Sometimes you wouldn't even believe it if you saw it," Hermione replied thickly. "I didn't believe it at first."

Shifting closer to her Harry pulled her into his chest for a big bear hug. He rocked her gently from side to side, smoothing her hair from her wet face. "Maybe you just need to speak your mind, Hermione? Where's that Gryffindor courage I've seen so much of in the past?" He teased, squeezing her tightly.

"I don't think it would help," she whispered faintly.

"You won't know that unless you try," Harry pointed out.

"No, I guess not." Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand Hermione took a deep breath.

"Good," Harry kissed the top of her head and released her. "That's the plan then, you talk to this guy, tell him the truth, you never know you might get a big surprise." He winked at her as he stood up and stretched. "I have to go now, I'll see you tomorrow, Hermione."

She sat quietly where she was watching him prepare to use the floo network the desperation inside her curling into a tight ball in the pit of her stomach becoming stronger with each passing second that was taking Harry away from her. "Meeting you was fate, Harry, becoming your friend was a choice; falling in love with you was beyond my control!" She cried out just as he placed one foot into the fire grate.

Inwardly she cringed. Why had she done it? Why had she just yelled it out like that with no thought to anything?

Harry turned slowly and stared stupidly at her. "Me?" He croaked.

"You," she replied.

"But, how?"

Hermione shrugged, "I told you, it just happened."

"No, no," Harry shook his head. "Dandruff just happens. This isn't on the same level."

"No it's not," she agreed quietly, her eyes roaming over his face drinking him in; she was terrified that she would lose him completely now that she had let her emotions get the better of her.

"This can't be happening," Harry muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Wait a minute, you said that you loved the other guy, that means me!" He exclaimed incredulously. "You…You love me?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes I do. I can't help the way I feel, stop looking at me as if I'm going to kill you,"

"Sorry, but this is a huge shock,"

"I know that, it shocked me too at first, but now I'm used to it. Now I just accept it," she whispered, flicking a silent tear from her cheek.

Biting his lips Harry stared at her for a few silent seconds. "I…I don't know what to say." He sighed heavily, "I… Oh Merlin. Ok, um, the thing is, Ginny and I have an understanding, we're going to live our own lives for a little while, but we do actually plan on getting married by next year. We haven't said anything because we want it to be a big surprise for everyone. I'm sorry, Hermione, I really am."

Bile burnt the back of her throat but Hermione forced a smile to her lips. "That will be a surprise, Harry. I won't say a word I promise."

"Hermione…"

"It's ok, really it is." She assured him, blinking her tears away. "I didn't really expect anything else to happen. I shouldn't have told you, I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."

"No, you didn't. I'm glad you felt able to tell me. I'm just sorry it's worked out this way." Harry said softly, smiling crookedly at her. "I do love you though, Hermione."

She managed a strangle sounding laugh. "Oh, Harry I know that already. You love me the way I love Ron and I'm grateful for that. I value you as a friend, Harry and I don't want things to be awkward between us."

"They won't be." Harry promised. "I do have to get going, I promised I'd stay with Ron tonight."

Hermione nodded, "I'll see you soon,"

Smiling sadly at her Harry blew her a kiss that made her laugh before announcing he wanted to go to The Burrow. Hermione watched the green flames dancing around him before he disappeared from view. Pressing her fingertips into her eyes she took deep calming breaths, willing her tears to stay away until she climbed exhausted into bed and could fall asleep and escape the world.

Emotional pain was by far the worst kind of pain to ever endure, Hermione decided as she got up to clean the tea cups away, almost spilling her full, cold cup of tea all over herself.

She had finally done it, finally submitted to her feelings and told Harry she loved him and it had been the most painful submission ever.

But really she hadn't expected Harry to declare undying love for her in return had she? Harry might be a little uncomfortable around her for a few weeks but he'd soon return to normal, and now she knew the truth she could start to move past her own feelings couldn't she?

When the time came Hermione was determined that she would hug Harry and Ginny and really mean it when she said, "I'm so happy for you." Because Ginny was who Harry wanted, and she made him happy.

"If I truly love Harry I'll want him to be happy." She looked at the photograph on the fridge again and grinned. "I do love you, Harry and I do want you to be happy, even if I'm not the one to give you that happiness."

After making sure that there was food in Crookshanks bowl she turned out the light and headed to the bedroom. Tonight she was under no illusions that she would cry herself to sleep, but tomorrow was a new day and she would put this dreadful night behind her where it should be and move on.

Even when she told herself these things Hermione knew that Harry would always have a place in her heart, and really, she was content for it to stay that way. After all, they were friends.


End file.
